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LONELINESS



One way of understanding loneliness is to notice that it occurs for all of us whenever our expectations suddenly change.

Feelings of loneliness occur both at times of success and at times of loss and failure. Loneliness and the fear of loneliness can be found at the root of every emotional blockage a person has - either as the cause of the blockage, "If I say or do that, people might not like me and I'll be alone," or as a way to keep the blockage in place.

Loneliness is a real emotion, so it has both positive and negative aspects.

negative

a) The negative aspects - emptiness, tears, self-pity, separation, insomnia, fear and panic - are familiar to all of us; and

b) The fear of loneliness has additional negatives manipulative behavior, loss of intimacy and commitment, despair, feelings of guilt and /or being victimized, not trusting oneself, being enslaved by a fragile ego and withdrawal from living a full and complete existence.

positive

a) Because we are so carefully taught to fear loneliness, few people know how to experience the positive aspects of these sudden shifts in expectation, which are also real and of value;

b) These feelings help us to identify what is important to us as individuals, and to gain self-confidence in our own capabilities; and

c) They act as guideposts, showing us where we need to look, explore and grow.

building self-confidence

The message you give your friend about who s/he is and what s/he is capable of influences his/her relationship with loneliness because those messages affect your friend's self-confidence.

You help your friend triumph over loneliness when you make a habit of focusing your attention, acknowledging and appreciating each small step in your friend's development of self-confidence and his/her ability to cope with unexpected change.

Begin to recognize that "all-alone feeling" we label "loneliness" as a wonderful time of openness and no expectations, an opportunity to pause and take a breath between different experiences, relationships and activities.

Learning to enjoy and take full advantage of this in-between time allows you to complete processing and healing old experiences, activities or relationships so that you can concentrate on new ones feeling refreshed and ready.

Because there are different kinds of loneliness, we need slightly different approaches in order to heal them all. They include:

- MOURNING The feeling of sorrow that occurs following a death, a loss or a perceived loss. The sudden changes that occur following death or loss emphasize a separateness which your friend may not have noticed before s/he suddenly feels lonely. This loneliness can be very constructive, allowing time for re-dedication and adjustment to change;

- NOSTALGIA A kind of loneliness for the past which can occur when a family has experienced a move, a divorce or another significant change of events. Burdened with the loneliness of nostalgia, your friend may stay so focused on what has been that s/he does not experience life fully in the present;

- THE "WHAT NEXT?" STAGE This is often experienced as "loneliness of the future." Afraid to face the fear of loneliness, the friend may become stuck and feel paralyzed, unable to solve problems in the present problems which must be addressed before moving on to future challenges and successes;

- ABANDONMENT This type of loneliness occurs when a person feels alone after being abandoned, either physically or emotionally. The sense of panic at being entirely alone overshadows everything else. People will do anything to avoid this panic;

- BEING ALONE The feeling of separateness and space between you and others is often experienced as, or called, "loneliness." Once your friend really experiences this aloneness, s/he may enjoy it. Much exploration, creativity and even pleasure can occur when a person is alone.

A lonely person may exhibit a number of these characteristics:

- Depression;

- Over- or under-eating;

- Lack of self-confidence;

- Self-pity;

- Insecurity;

- Withdrawal;

- Clinginess;

- Timidity;

- Helplessness;

- Confusion;

- Reclusiveness; and

- Obsession with being "popular," even if just superficially.

Your friend may behave in ways that are frustrating to you because of his/her fear of loneliness.

Fearful of being rejected, abandoned or humiliated - thereby being left alone and falling into the dreaded abyss of loneliness - your friend may develop these habits in order to avoid facing loneliness.

In his/her mind, loneliness may be so abhorrent s/he feels willing to do anything to avoid it.

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